[Judith Norman]

#776

Understanding that relationship dynamics are complicated and based on past associations and patterns can help us recognize that how a student is behaving is “not about us.” How does seeing behavior and dynamics through this lens impact your own thinking and behavior? Due 11/28/22

[Kelsey Prather]

#1496

Ever since learning about how our behaviors are really just about our external experiences and our perceptions based off of our experiences, I’ve really tried to apply this lens in multiple situations (school and student relationships, personal relationships, staff relationships, etc.). This concept reminds me of a teacher I’ve noticed every time someone interacts with, she seems dysregulated. At first, I thought, gosh what am I doing to cause this dysregulation within her? And how can I stop it? Then I began to learn she often has this reaction to whomever is speaking with her. For example, when I come into her classroom to get a child, she says “I don’t have time for this, this is too much, there’s too much going on,” and waves her hands in the air, on the brink of tears. This reaction definitely sends my body into a dysregulated state (my heart tends to beat faster, my face feels flushed, etc.). Then, when I am back at my office later, I realize this has nothing to do with my request, this is something internally she is dealing with of her own.
When it comes to my students, I think of one in particular, who shuts down sometimes when I meet with him. Other times, he is super talkative and asks me tons of questions. Every time he shuts down like this and speaks absolutely no words, I immediately feel discomfort. I immediately ask myself, “What do I do? He won’t talk? Alert, he won’t talk!!! Get him to say something, anything!!!” I have seen this child talk a lot, so I think I get self-conscious when he does not speak, like it’s my fault. It takes me a moment, but I sit in the silence attentively and remind myself, it’s not always about words. And we seek movement activities, which seems to help. I have no idea why he isn’t speaking; and sometimes I’ll even say something like this to him, “I see you’re not in a talkative mood. That’s okay, you don’t have to speak. Just know I’m here for you.” I think I’d like to be even more intentional and maybe add, “You don’t have to speak. Sometimes things can feel so overwhelming, or we just can’t find the words. Sometimes, it’s hard to speak *takes a deep breath and finds movement activity*.” Reminding him that silence can also be healing.

[Cheryl Seagren]

#1502

I tend to think that things are about me and that the other person’s behavior is a reflection on who I am or how well I did something. Often I feel that-if I had thought harder or managed better- I could have come up with the perfect solution for that student or that they would behave differently. This is an exhausting way to live and isn’t too helpful for my students either. However, I am beginning to understand that I see behavior through my own internal maps, unique lenses, and values.

Knowing that a student’s behavior is closely tied to their past experiences, relationships, and perceptions helps me to be more objective. I can respond with curiosity (“I wonder what this kiddo is seeing in this moment?”) and compassion (“Wow, it must be really hard to feel_____________”). If I can honor and understand the set-up, I know better how to attune to that student and am less prone to feeling out of control and hyper-aroused. Self-reflection helps to own what is mine.

This helps when working with parents as well. I worked with a second grader who was anxious in lots of areas of her life. She improved a lot at school: She could walk to the classroom by herself and have a good day even when her best friend was absent. When I called to check in with her parents, her mom reported that she had made no progress at home, was still unable to sleep by herself, and was afraid to be in a room alone. At first, I felt like I had failed…and then I thought about the setup. This mom was showing me what her world was like and how powerless she felt to help her daughter. It was no longer about me and I was able to say, “Wow, that sounds frustrating and like- no matter what you do- it doesn’t help.” I was able to keep one foot in and one foot out and, hopefully, help her feel felt.

When I can remember to respect and honor behavior as a very personal expression related to how the student sees the world and what they need, it shifts my perspective and I feel that I can be more present and authentic.

[Janet Lantry]

#1543

Kelsey and Cheryl, it sounds like you are really implementing the lens shift into your various interactions with children and parents. I find I am able to do this consistently at work, with the children and adults (teachers, admin, and parents), though it can sometimes be harder outside of work. I am entering this post late, so we are in December, the Month of Chronic Dysregulation for all of us. I was at Walmart last night and there was a woman in the line in front of several of us, who was having the hardest time, as she had to keep determining what would be paid for by her EBT card and what she would have to pay for from her own funds. People started to judge and make comments. The guy in front of me told people to be kind. I asked him how he was able to be so gentle when so many people were throwing out venom, and he said, “You never know what someone is going through.” And that’s it. We live in a society that does not normalize sharing our challenges, and we are expected to present as if we have no stress, which creates more stress. Somewhere like the line at Walmart tends to reveal some things. It’s harder to hide. And whether the stress and challenge is obvious or disguised in the projective behaviors we witness all day, in the end we are all navigating a lot and compassion goes a long way. I offered the guy in front of me at Walmart to check out another line and come back if there was no better option, and he smiled at me, offered the same to me, and asserted he needed that line for his cigarettes. No other line offered that option. And I reserved judgment. We all have our shit and limitations and needs. Every single one of us. And the more we can just let that be, and really take responsibility for ourselves and our reactions, taking a step back to regulate before reacting, the more we are able to not get pulled into the set up. There was a situation earlier in the week when a student with whom I work became very dysregulated, and they had to evacuate her classroom to keep students safe. The student I work with is 6 years old. And this kind of reaction has become rare, so I knew something was going on that we didn’t see on the surface. The school counselor and I (I am an embedded therapist from a hospital clinic) often talk about the bigger picture and come up with plans for how to talk to teachers who often take the behavior of students personally or respond in a way that keeps rupturing a relationship with a child because now the child is “dangerous, wild, unpredictable.” I made an effort to reframe the situation with one of the teachers involved after I spoke with the parent and determined there was OMG so much going on that we did not know. The parent is a single parent in the military, and she is under a lot of pressure to never show the rough spots, but apparently the family had some major stressors, and the 6 year old who has made so much progress, just couldn’t hold all the weight of the stress, and it came out in response to a trigger that seemed tiny to the teacher but felt huge to a child’s nervous system that was already overloaded and managing multiple perceived threats. The teacher could not shift to a perspective of compassion, and I had to remain compassionate toward her. She was scared. She does not feel prepared for that level of dysregulation in her classroom, and she doesn’t want it to happen again, so she was holding tight to the response that the child could not be in her classroom. This is not an option, but I could have reacted with more defense, and I simply listened and reflected her fear and concern for everyone’s safety. The child did not come to school for several days, as her family is moving to a new house because the previous house had something REALLY wrong. Can you imagine having to suddenly move without time to prep in December, with very little help? Yeah, nobody wants that. So, it is my task to not take anyone’s reactions personally even with my own carrying of December on my load, and help this child re-enter her classroom for the last week of school before a break, with a teacher who sees her as a monster. Oof. But we’ll do it, and I will continue to focus on this lens of “it’s not about me,” taking into consideration all the variables EVERYONE is carrying for this next week in particular with schedule changes, feeling already checked out, and fear that something could still go really wrong. We’ll be a hot mess together, and I will own my personal hot mess and try to not let it skew my perspective of anyone else’s hot mess. Happy Holidays!

[Judith Norman]

#1557

These are all so thoughtul and show a real deepening understanding of these concepts. Sometimes I find, just being completely authentic and naming, “I’m not really sure what to say or do right now,” can go so far in helping others be reflective upon their own experience of uncertainty and allows us both to sink into the humanness of the moment. This often openness up a vulnerability that allows us to explore ways to move through it together.

[Author]

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